


we all want to be great men, there's nothing romantic about it

by who_won_the_race_back_home



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, F/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-06 05:55:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14050392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/who_won_the_race_back_home/pseuds/who_won_the_race_back_home
Summary: Mallus pulled the deepest fears out of their heads, and what if he was right? What if Nate wasn't a man worthy of his grandfather's respect? What if he never would be?





	we all want to be great men, there's nothing romantic about it

**Author's Note:**

> Title from The Wonder Years' "I Just Want To Sell Out My Funeral."

Nate laid in his bed, worrying the dog tags hanging around his neck between his fingers. Even with Gideon’s med bay magic, he still felt the phantom pain of bruises his grandfather–Sara– _Mallus_ had beat into him. A little part of him felt like he deserved it.

The sound of metal on metal kept the room from utter quiet, but the tags felt like just another totem he wasn’t worthy enough to wield.

Because he wasn’t the kind of man worthy enough to wield them.

Wasn’t the kind of man worthy of Amaya.

Wasn’t the kind of man his grandfather would’ve been proud of.

And even with all the rationalizing in the world, knowing that Henry was just a manifestation of his own fear, a trick by a literal time demon, those thoughts had still burrowed back up from the recesses of his mind. Because even though it had been more than 15 years, there was always that little seed of doubt, ready to bloom, that he was never going to be a man.

It made him feel like a child, weak, the scared teenager figuring out he was trans all over again, while his father just pretended he didn’t exist anymore.

All Nate had ever really wanted was to be the kind of man that his grandfather could’ve been proud of. It had taken most of his life, but finally, being a legend, saving the world, he felt like he had done it. Henry had said so, in his way, before sacrificing himself. Nate had felt it in his gut when Henry had pressed his hand against the glass of the cargo bay door.

But what if he had just been trying to preserve the timeline by making sure Nate would tell Hank the right things to keep everything stable. What if he–

“You didn’t stay for dinner.”

Nate was knocked out of his thought spiral by Amaya, standing in the doorway to his bunk, concern etched on her face.

“Sorry,” he said, shaking his head to clear it. “Still a little shaken up by everything, I guess. Wasn’t feeling too hungry.”

She came and sat down on the edge of his bed, putting a hand on his to stop the scraping sound of metal on metal. “Well, I saved some for you, but I don’t know how long until Mick finds it.”

Nate let out a weak chuckle, and Amaya smiled fondly at him. It was crazy how quickly she could clear some of the clouds in his head.

“You okay?” she asked.

Nate paused a moment, wanting to tell her every half-baked thought of inadequacy he had. “No, it’s fine. Some of the stuff Mallus said when he looked like my grandfather it was–I’m sorry. It’s stupid.” He waved his hand in dismissal.

Gently urging Nate over, Amaya slid onto the bed next to him, keeping her hand on his, running her thumb over his knuckles. “It’s not stupid. Z told me that he looked exactly like her brother when he was young. I can’t imagine, seeing a ghost like that.”

“Is she alright? I’m fine if she needs you,” he said.

“She’s playing some game with Wally. They’re racing and trying to hit each other with turtle shells?”

“Mario Kart?” He felt Amaya shrug against him.“Man, I love Mario Kart. Oh! We should totally have a team Mario Kart tournament.”

Amaya laughed into his shoulder. “I think having Wally around has been good for her.”

“Yeah, he’s a good dude.”

They were both quiet for a long while. Amaya took the dog tags from Nate and traced Henry’s name with her fingers. Eventually, she tucked them back into Nate’s shirt and propped herself up on her elbow so she could look at him.

“What’s going on?” she asked

Nate glanced over at her and let out a sigh. She deserved to know. “He said that I wasn’t good enough, y’know? That I wasn’t good enough for you. That I wasn’t a man he could ever be proud of,” he said, staring at the ceiling, unable to meet her eyes again. “And I know that it’s bullshit and he was just preying on my fears, but I just–sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, it’s never gonna be enough, I’m never going to be the man that he would’ve been proud to call his grandson.”

“You know that’s not true,” she said.

“Yeah, I mean, rationally, I know that. But it’s just that little nagging thought that eats away at me. And Mallus, he just pulled it right out of my head and made the person I admire the most in the world say it to my face.”

Nate rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands. “Sometimes I think it would have been better if I had never met him, you know? It’s a lot harder to disappoint a picture.”

Amaya pushed Nate’s hand away from his face, and tilted his chin up to look at her. “Nathaniel, I knew Henry well, and you are exactly the type of person he would’ve wanted as a grandson. You are brave, selfless, and most importantly, you are kind. You chose to become a better man than your father, even though it was hard. You choose to let yourself be vulnerable because you know who you are. There are plenty of people who run from that because they think it’s weakness.”

She leaned down to kiss him, light and sweet. As she pulled away, Nate took her hand and kissed her knuckles.

“And you’re worthy of being with me because I choose to be with you,” she said, laying down to tuck back into his side, his arm slung around her shoulders. “And I believe Sara would call anyone who decides if someone is worthy of a woman some patriarchal bullshit.”

That finally got Nate to crack a full throated laugh, and he felt Amaya’s smile against his chest. “Well, captain’s definitely right on that one,” he said, craning his neck down to kiss the top of her head. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” she said. “You feeling up for dinner?”

Nate grabbed Amaya’s waist and rolled her on top on him. “You know what, Mick can have my share, I can get something from the fabricator.” he said, before pulling her down into a kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> I definitely am not working out my own issues through fic, no siree.
> 
> All trans related headcanon yelling can be directed to me [on tumblr.](http://angrypedestrian.tumblr.com)


End file.
